Sep 15, 2020
Life isn’t fair. So, it’s only natural for us to want things to be just. We do our best to create fairness in different areas of our lives: in the economy, in opportunity, and even in our relationships. In our shared life with our partners, we want things to be 50/50, to be equitable. I am a staunch advocate of cultivating balance, but seeking fairness in relationships is different, and attachment to the idea can negatively impact a couple and their connection.
In this episode, I explore why we attach to the idea of fairness and explain how it can be detrimental to our relationships. I share some of my experiences with wanting things to be fair and recount the story of a couple who worked through the idea of equality in their relationship. I differentiate seeking balance against seeking equity in relationships and why keeping scores can lead us to getting stuck. I also discuss how the power of appreciation and curiosity can help us overcome our attachment to fairness and find balance in the relationship.
“If you’re willing to let go of what is fair and instead focus on what’s loving, you’ll discover connection, understanding, and transformation.” - Pripo Teplitsky
This week on Relationships! Let’s Talk About It:
- Experiencing the vulnerability of not being in control
- Our tendency to give based on equality and how fairness can be detrimental to a relationship
- Treating the relationship as a third entity
- Focusing on the needs of the relationship versus being fair and keeping score
- How being honest with your needs and capacity will help your relationship work as a team
- How our childhood experiences shape our notions of fairness
- The difference between seeking balance and seeking fairness in the relationship
- The role of effective communication skills in maintaining a relationship’s balance
- The impact of bringing, and complementing, each others’ strengths in a relationship
- The story of a couple who overcame the need to be fair in their relationship
- How we bring our ideas of fairness to workplace relationships
- Looking at a relationship through the lens of kindness and trusting in the process of giving and receiving
- Bringing curiosity in relationships and how it can help us move beyond the scorekeeping
- Making room in the relationship where dreams could be realized and needs could be met
Related Content:
- The #1 Relationship Booster
- Self-Compassion Can Improve Your Relationships
- Stop Playing the Blame Game: Take Responsibility In Your Relationships
- The Secret to Love is Just Kindness
Let’s Talk About It!
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Theme music “These Streets” provided by Adi the Monk